New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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