My friends, they love my intelligence
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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