He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
