The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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