You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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