I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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