Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
