my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
