Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
