I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
