I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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