I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
