She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
