If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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