Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
