don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
