She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
