You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
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You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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