Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
