I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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