I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
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