You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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