Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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