the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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