I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
