So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
