I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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