So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
