There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
PANTIES FOUND
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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