I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
