i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
