thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
