party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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