my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
