Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
