Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
