Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
