I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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