It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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