So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
