I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
