Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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