Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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