How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
