Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
