The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
