what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
