A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
