got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
