If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
