If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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