i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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