My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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