Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
