Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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