Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
