I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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